Brokeback Blesse
by rentAgleek
Summary: Jesse and Blaine met in 1963 on Brokeback Mountain. The next twenty years bring love, tears, sex, anger, lies and heartache as they struggle with who they are and what they have. Based on the story of Brokback Mountain featuring glee characters. Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

_**So this is my latest venture, based on Brokeback Mountain. You don't need to have seen the movie to understand the story, don't worry. I've written pretty much the whole thing so you can expect steady updates. Please enjoy and REVIEW or I won't continue - I do this with all my stories; you don't get more if you don't review. So REVIEW! Ok, you can go ahead and read now.**_

_**NOTE: I understand both characters are a little OOC here; I have portrayed them similarly to Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain.**_

**Chapter One**

**Signal, Wyoming**

**1963**

Jesse St James sat on the step outside the dingy trailer, taking a long drag on his cigarette. He closed his eyes, feeling himself relax. He had never known what it was to be calm until he had taken up smoking.

It was early; the sun was up but had not yet begun to scorch, and there was still a gentle cooling breeze leftover from the night. A perfect summer dawn. Jesse watched as an old green truck pulled up, sending the dust flying. He watched as the driver stepped out, slamming the door. This man was smaller than Jesse, but he held himself in the same strong way. He wondered if this man's strength was genuine, or if it was only skin deep, like Jesse's. The man's hair was dark, almost black, and slicked back. Jesse guessed that the gel hid a mess of unruly curls, and felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth. He could certainly identify with that. His curls were the only part of himself he couldn't completely control, so he gave up long ago and let the dark waves grow out. The other man met his gaze for a moment and nodded at him briefly. His eyes sparkled. A dreamer, Jesse thought. The stranger proceeded to shave in his truck's wing mirror. Jesse noticed his tired shirt and worn boots.

After a few minutes, a white stationwagon rolled towards them. Dust was thrown over the other man, who coughed and spilled his shaving water. Jesse supressed a laugh. The vehicle parked up, and Jesse immediately stood and rammed his hat onto his head, noticing the stranger hurriedly doing the same. A man stepped out, not fat but not skinny, and totally bald. Jesse hoped he would never look even half as bad as this man when he grew older. The man stomped past the two waiting cowboys, not even pausing to glance. Jesse sighed and the other guy raised his eyebrows in surprise. Luckily, the door swung open after a few moments. 'If you pair of deuces are looking for work, I suggest you get your asses in here pronto', he stated. The two stepped inside quickly. It was a small, poky room, cluttered with papers and tools. There was a tiny television, showing a story about President Kennedy. The man switched off the set and sat at his desk, surveying the two with unrelenting scrutiny. Jesse took a nervous drag on his cigarette.

'I'm Burt. Burt Hummel', he told them. 'There's been a lot of sheep going missing what with coyotes and all. What I want is a camp tender in the main camp', he said, looking pointedly at Jesse, who nodded to show he understood, 'and a herder', he said, switching his gaze to the other man. 'The tender sleeps on the mountain, the herder camps lower down with the animals. You can set a fire and eat and wash and all up at the top, together, but you', he pointed at the smaller man, 'you must sleep with the sheep hundred percent, no fire', he ordered. Both men nodded. 'Good. We'll send a truck out to fetch you in the morning. You're going to Brokeback, boys', he said, dismissing them with a wave of his hand. Jesse walked out quickly, glad to be in the fresh air and away from a situation with too many words.

The other man – his new workmate – held out his hand and grinned. Jesse noticed how his whole face lit up, his eyes bright, and ignored the way he made his heart beat a little faster. 'Blaine Anderson', the man offered. Jesse took his hand and shook it firmly, managing a small smile in return. 'Jesse', he said stiffly. It was only a name. Names he could do. Blaine frowned slightly. 'Your folks just named you Jesse?', he asked, a spark of humour in his eye. 'St James', Jesse elaborated. 'Nice to know you, Jesse St James. Since we're gonna be working together, I reckon we ought to start drinking together', he suggested. Jesse nodded curtly and they walked in companionable silence to the nearest bar.

Soon they were halfway through their second beer, and yet, not a word had been uttered between the two. Jesse liked silence. He didn't have to think of things to say, or listen to the other person. He could be with his thoughts, in peace. He was an observer. Finally, the silence was broken. 'It's my second year up here. Last year there was a thunderstorm, killed 42 sheep. Hummel got real mad, like I was supposed to control the weather', he chugged his beer and shrugged. 'Beats working for my old man anyhow. That's why I took to rodeoing. Did you ever rodeo?', he asked. Jesse had to collect himself before responding. 'Once in a while. When I can afford the entrance fees', he explained. Blaine nodded. 'What of your folks?', he prompted. 'Dead', Jesse said bluntly. 'Missed a turn in the road. Crashed. Killed them both', he recalled quietly. 'Shit. That's hard', Blaine said. Jesse could see he felt bad for bringing up the issue. He didn't mind; it was a long time ago and there had been no love between him and his parents anyway. He didn't miss them. But he couldn't tell Blaine this, so he shrugged and gave a half smile, hoping it would have the same effect. Their eyes met for a moment, Blaine's bright and alive, Jesse's sad and resigned. Blaine smiled at him, properly, not a grin like before, a real smile, and Jesse knew that Blaine cared. Blaine cared about him. The warm feeling in his chest was an unknown concept to Jesse and he couldn't quite handle it. His face returned to its sullen mask and he looked away, immediately regretting the snub. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. Jesse had a gulp of beer and looked out of the window, at the mountain in the distance. Brokeback Mountain.

**REVIEW!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Ok so the one review was really nice, thank you to Forwoodx3 for that! Thanks also to those of you who subscribed. Enjoy and REVIEW!**_

**Chapter Two**

**Brokeback Mountain**

**1963**

Blaine threw back his head and laughed, loving the freedom that he could only achieve when riding a horse. He glanced back at Jesse, who was sat on a rock nursing what looked like a pounding headache. They'd been drinking well into the night, Blaine ordering again and again, beer turning into whisky as the night grew older. He himself was perfectly fine, but Jesse looked hungover enough for the both of them. He rode over to where Jesse sat. 'You alright, St James?', he asked, smiling. Jesse shrugged, and seemed fairly subdued, so he didn't push it. Blaine nodded and began to move away but Jesse spoke and he stopped dead, cherishing the rare opportunity to hear the man's deep, gentle voice. 'That horse looks like it has a low startle point. Might throw you off', he warned.

Blaine flashed a cocky grin. 'I doubt there's a horse in all of Wyoming that could throw me', he boasted. He noticed Jesse's mouth lifting slightly at the corners, before sinking again. Blaine sighed and jumped off, walking to him and gently but firmly pulling him up and over to the horse. He ignored Jesse's sharp intake of breath at the contact. 'Come on. Get behind me, unless you wanna sit there all night', he said kindly. Jesse nodded, and climbed on after Blaine. They sat on the horse for a moment while Blaine fiddled with the saddle. Then, ready to leave, Blaine reached back and took both of Jesse's hands in his, then moved them so they were wrapped around his own waist. Jesse seemed a little shocked. 'So you don't fall', Blaine explained softly, and watched Jesse's answering nod. They rode away, Blaine trying not to think about the way Jesse's arms were wrapped around him, the way their bodies were pressed close together. This was the most physical contact Blaine had ever had in his life.

Evening had fallen and the two cowboys sat on the mountain, drinking from a whisky bottle and feeling the heat drift from the fire. Blaine passed the bottle back to Jesse, who took a long draught, seemingly forgetting what alcohol had done to him last time. Blaine was not looking forward to sleeping with the sheep; it was starting to get cold. 'That Burt Hummel, telling me to sleep with the sheep, no fire…it's shit. Can't wait till I've got my own ranch. Won't have to put up with his shit no more', he told Jesse, who nodded. 'I'm saving for a place myself. Me and Rachel, we'll be getting married when I come down from this mountain', he explained. Blaine nodded. Jesse was engaged, of course. He wasn't sure why he felt a sting of jealousy. He told himself it was because he hadn't found a girl yet when Jesse was all ready to get married and play happy families. 'You going to the sheep?', Jesse asked. Blaine thought for a moment. 'Not tonight', he said. Jesse nodded, and passed the whisky to him.

The next morning, they were eating breakfast, Blaine forcing down forkful after forkful of beans. He didn't like them much anyway, but it was all they had eaten for the past twenty four hours and he wanted to throw up every time he put more in his mouth. He knew Jesse was responsible for riding down and collecting groceries from the bottom of the mountain. 'No more beans', he told him. Jesse smiled, the tiniest smile, and nodded.

At the end of the day, Blaine returned from his day of herding the sheep. It was only the second day of summer and he'd already seen enough sheep to last him a lifetime. He dumped his belongings, stomach groaning with hunger. He noticed the absence of any sort of food smell and frowned. Where was Jesse? He looked inside the tent, finding it empty. 'Shit', he muttered. He couldn't do much, and he knew – hoped – it wasn't anything serious. The minutes turned into hours. Blaine looked around for food, only finding beans. Jesse hadn't returned yet. He sighed and paced nervously. The minutes turned into hours. He sat down on the logs, lighting a cigarette and inhaling nervously, starting to get worried. It was now very, very dark.

Suddenly, he heard a twig snap and a cough. He spun around and saw a dark figure coming towards him – Jesse. He was at first relieved, and then noticed he was empty handed. Blaine's eyes narrowed. 'Where the hell have you been? I've been with the sheep, all day, I get back here hungry as hell and all I find is beans', he began angrily. Then Jesse moved slowly closer, the fire illuminating his face. Blaine gasped. Jesse had a huge cut down the side of his face, blood all over him. It had dripped down onto his shirt, and his hair was a mess. His trousers were ripped and dirty. 'Good God, what happened?', he asked. 'Came across a bear. Frightened the horse, it took off. Scratched me right down my head. Horse took all the food. Been trying to find it for hours', he explained monotonously. The men were silent for a moment. 'Sorry', Blaine said simply, feeling truly awful. He handed Jesse the whisky. 'Drink it', he told him. Jesse didn't need telling twice; he unscrewed the cap and knocked back the burning liquor as if it were water. Blaine hastily took the bottle away from him and tipped a little onto a cloth. Jesse just looked at the cloth, then his eyes flickered upwards to meet his. Blaine silently asked permission and Jesse allowed it. He slowly reached forwards, never breaking eye contact, and gently, gentler than anything he had ever done in his life, touched the cloth to Jesse's wound.

'Agh', Jesse emitted a low hiss of pain as the whisky burned. Blaine winced, feeling terrible for hurting him. He continued cleaning the cut, and then threw the cloth onto the fire as kindling. They both watched the flames licking it for a few minutes. 'We're gonna have to do something about this food situation. Maybe I'll shoot one of the sheep', Blaine suggested. Jesse shook his head. 'We're supposed to guard the sheep, not eat them. If Hummel finds out, we're dead', he reasoned. 'But there's hundreds of them', Blaine protested. Jesse shrugged. 'I'll stick with beans', he said. 'I won't', muttered Blaine. He grabbed his rifle and stomped off.

Blaine stepped quietly through the edges of the trees, looking for any kind of animal. He was feeling an almost primal craving for meat, and was willing to eat just about anything as long as it used to be alive. Was that – yes! A deer. He raised his rifle, taking a deep breath and shooting. To Blaine's utter disbelief, the deer stopped moving and fell to the ground with a thud. He couldn't believe it; he never got lucky the first shot. 'Meat on the table tonight!', he shouted loudly as he slung the animal over his shoulders. He couldn't be certain, but Blaine could have sworn he heard Jesse's deep, throaty chuckle.

He turned back into their camp and proudly threw the dead creature to the ground, eyeing their dinner eagerly. He looked at Jesse, raising his eyebrows as if to say, satisfied? Jesse's mouth cracked open into a huge grin, for the first time that Blaine had seen, and then, even better, he began to laugh. Softly at first but then he threw back his head and truly roared. Blaine joined in, feeling warmth spreading through his chest in his pride at making the silent man become human.

**_NOTE: I do not condone or support meat slaughter or consumption - I'm a vegan - but this is what's in the movie_**

**_Ok so I know it's been fairly sweet and nice and PG up until now...but next chapter, things will happen. Yes, I'm talking about the tent...but if I don't get at least 3 reviews I won't upload it! So...REVIEW!_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**So here is the much anticipated chapter 3...thanks to all those who subscribed and the two of you who reviewed...I'd like some more please, or I won't upload! Enjoy :)**_

**Chapter Three**

**Brokeback Mountain**

**1963**

A week had passed since Jesse's encounter with the bear. Blaine had offered to take over the grocery responsibilities so that he wouldn't run the risk of a repeat, but Jesse had firmly refused, not wanting Blaine to think he was weak or scared.

Jesse was currently peeling potatoes, knowing that Blaine would return soon. He heard the sound of a horse walking on the mountain floor, the cowboy's anthem, getting closer. Jesse smiled before he could stop himself, comforted by the prospect of Blaine returning. Sure enough, Blaine arrived in the clearing, looking irritated. Jesse put down the potatoes and walked over to him as he was dismounting. 'What's wrong?', he asked, without hesitation. Blaine was definitely helping Jesse overcome his anxieties. 'Fucking Hummel ain't got no right to make me do this. I camp down there in the freezing cold every night, hardly never getting any sleep on account of them damn coyotes…', he trailed off. Jesse thought for a moment. 'You wanna switch? I wouldn't mind sleeping out there', he said, thinking of the freedom that being outdoors always gave him. Blaine shook his head. 'That's not the point, we both oughta be in this camp. Hummel shouldn't be making one of us sleep out there', he gestured to where the sheep were, further down. Jesse didn't want Blaine to have to sleep out there, not if he didn't want to. But he couldn't think of the right way to say this, so he repeated himself quietly, 'I wouldn't mind being out there'. Blaine looked at him carefully for a second. Jesse was careful not to break eye contact. He had to be strong, or at least appear to be. 'I'm happy to switch, but I warn you – I can't cook for shit', Blaine said, grinning. 'Can't be worse than me', Jesse joked, feeling the easy smile spread across his face. There was something about Blaine that broke down all his walls and tore off his mask, and just let him be. He could speak and express himself more fully than he ever had in his life. 'Well you won't get much sleep', Blaine smiled back and Jesse felt warmth spread through his chest at the feeling of friendship he had never known.

The next morning, Jesse returned to the top of the mountain, greeted by the comforting sizzle of bacon being fried. 'Morning', Blaine called out. Jesse lifted his head and nodded, smiling. 'Here', Blaine said, lugging a huge pot off the fire. 'Boiled some water, so you can wash', he said as he passed the pot to Jesse, who took it in surprise. 'I'm usually alright in the lake', he told him, 'but thanks anyways'. He was a little thrown by the fact that Blaine had made the effort and done something totally selfless for him. Nobody ever did that. Ever. 'Well I wanted to thank you for letting me sleep in the tent. And…and I didn't want you to get cold. In the lake', he mumbled. Jesse didn't know how to respond. He nodded and walked away with the pot to the other side of the clearing. He stripped off and began slopping the water on himself, moaning slightly at the hotness on his cold, dirty skin. He turned around and noticed that Blaine was watching him, cigarette dangling from his lips. Jesse immediately ducked his head and washed himself quickly, confused. Why was he looking at him? He pondered this for a moment and then came to the only possible conclusion; Blaine wanted to wash too and he was hoping he wouldn't use all the water. 'Hey, Blaine, you want some of this water?', he asked, glancing over to him. Blaine straight away jerked his head violently and stared in the opposite direction. 'It's all yours', he replied stiffly. Jesse nodded and splashed his face, shaking away all thoughts of the way Blaine had been watching him.

The day passed by in the normal fashion; Blaine herded the sheep, Jesse collected food and cooked – after Blaine's attempts at breakfast that morning, he had insisted upon cooking from now on. He hadn't realised it was possible to ruin bacon. Jesse shook his head, smiling at the memory as he skinned a rabbit for dinner.

As the two men tucked into the simple meal that evening, they began talking about Blaine's rodeo days. 'I don't rodeo much myself. Don't see the point in riding something for eight seconds before you're thrown off', Jesse explained. 'I guess. Money's good though, when you get lucky', Blaine considered. 'If your skull doesn't get pounded', Jesse argued. They laughed, the sensation still very new to Jesse. To just throw your head back and roar and shake with utter abandon. He found it truly remarkable. 'My dad was a bullrider', Blaine remembered. 'Everyone in Texas knew his name. But he never taught me a thing', he said, all the laughter gone from his face. 'Never once came to see me ride', he said sadly. There was an awkward pause. Jesse longed to reach out and place a comforting hand on Blaine's shoulder. But guys just didn't do that. 'My sister raised me, after my parents passed. But I had to look after myself mostly', he told Blaine. 'Folks only left twenty four bucks in a can for us', he shrugged. There was another pause and Jesse took a deep breath, and released himself, shaking away the tension, and truly opening up.

'Didn't finish high school. I wasn't cut out for it. Only class I really enjoyed was music but that's for the girls. There was a musical and a glee club but I couldn't join. I just – I couldn't. Boys at my school, they all did sports and worked on their father's ranches. Can't throw a ball to save my life and there was no ranch for me. Got a job at the drugstore and saved for a horse. That's the only thing I ever really liked doing, riding Cigar Butt – the horse. I met Rachel a couple years back. Probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Kinda crazy but I guess women are just made like that. She always got the solo in glee club, the lead role in the musical. Her voice was…like nothing I have ever heard. Listening to Rachel sing makes me feel, it…it just makes me. When I flunked and dropped out of school, she was there for me. She's a great girl. She loves me, and I – well I'm marrying her', Jesse finished.

Blaine was staring at him, too many emotions on his face for Jesse to comprehend. He suddenly worried that he'd taken it too far, that he should have just kept his mouth shut. But then Blaine smiled softly and spoke, 'Jesse, that's more words than you've spoke all summer'. Jesse shrugged. 'Summer? Hell, that's the most I've ever spoke in my life', he said sadly. They paused again. 'My daddy', Jesse remembered, 'he was a fine cowboy. Didn't rodeo much though. He said rodeo cowboys were all fuck ups', he grinned at Blaine, who raised his eyebrows. 'The hell they are!', the man exclaimed. He got up and began pretending to ride a bull around the campfire. Jesse smiled, watching him. 'Anderson's doing a real good job here', Blaine yelled, pretending to be the commentator. 'Yee hah!', he screamed, throwing back his head to tell the heavens. Jesse couldn't help it, just looking at this man, this man who was everything Jesse would never be, who was nothing but himself and never apologised for it. He laughed. He leaned forwards, clutching his side and laughing so much that it began to hurt but he couldn't stop himself now. Blaine suddenly tripped and fell, knocking over the dishes. He ended up splayed across Jesse, both men too engrossed in their happiness to notice their position. Jesse saw tears in Blaine's eyes and realised that he was crying too. But these tears were like nothing he had ever known. Each one was a supressed grin, a concealed laugh, a hidden opinion. And now he was emptying his old self out, the tears falling to dry in Blaine's hair. He was giving himself to Blaine without even realising.

As the night wore on and the whisky came out, Blaine found his harmonica. Jesse watched the man skim it across his lips, a bad melody drifting across the night breeze and the smoke of the fire. Yet Jesse didn't have the heart to stop him. He closed his eyes and lay back, listening. He had never had such a good time. He could barely take the smile off his face. The sound came to an abrupt halt and Jesse sat up. Blaine was looking somewhere behind him, frowning. 'The tent don't look right', he said. 'The harmonica don't sound right', Jesse replied, grinning. Blaine took him seriously. 'I know, it got flattened when that stupid horse threw me today', he said, annoyed. 'I thought you said there wasn't a horse in the whole of Wyoming that could throw you', Jesse reminded him. 'She got lucky', Blaine shrugged. 'If I got lucky, that harmonica would break in two', Jesse joked. They both fell back into their laughter again. 'What was that song anyways? I ain't never heard it', Jesse questioned. 'Pentecostal hymn, Water-Walking Jesus. My mama, she believes in the Pentecost', he explained. 'Exactly what is the Pentecost? My folks was Methodist', he asked. 'Well, the Pentecost…I don't know. I don't know what the Pentecost is. Mama never explained it. I guess it's when the world ends and guys like you and me march off to hell', he supposed. 'Uh uh, speak for yourself. You may be a sinner but I ain't yet never had the opportunity', Jesse told him. Blaine looked at him in disbelief before the two of them laughed.

'It's too late to go out to the sheep. I'll sleep here and ride out at first light. Don't tell Hummel', Jesse warned. 'Sleep in the tent, you'll freeze your ass off out here', Blaine told him. 'But where will you sleep?', Jesse asked. Blaine frowned. 'In the tent of course', he said. Jesse thought for a moment. Two guys sharing a tent? No way. 'Doubt I'll feel nothing', he said, setting up a blanket by the dying fire.

An hour or so later and Jesse was cold out of his mind, teeth beating out a samba into the frozen night. He shivered uncontrollably. Suddenly he heard some rustling. His hand flexed around his rifle and he glanced at the trees. Not another bear, surely. Luckily, the tent flap opened and Blaine poked his head out. 'Jesus Christ, I can't sleep through your hammering. Get inside', he said firmly. Jesse, too cold to care or protest, ran gratefully towards the tent. He crawled inside. 'Thanks', he muttered. Blaine's hair was out of its usual gelled helmet, and he saw that the man's head held magnificent curls that could rival Jesse's. He almost reached out to touch but stopped himself. Blaine threw him some of his bedroll. 'It's big enough, just get under. I felt bad with you out there', he explained. Jesse slid his icy legs inside and sighed at the warmth. 'Thank you', he said, more sincerely. Blaine nodded. 'It's nothing', he said, but smiled nonetheless. They lay in silence for a few minutes. Jesse figured Blaine had fallen asleep and he tried to drift away too.

He didn't know what time it was, but Jesse was suddenly aware of someone taking his hand and moving it downwards. Oh no, he wasn't having one of those dreams, surely…but then he felt his hand meet something – no, someone. Part of his brain registered that this was Blaine, this was Blaine's crotch, this was wrong. He quickly jerked his hand away like he had been burnt. Both now wide awake, Jesse sat up and tried to move away but Blaine, also sitting, grabbed his jacket firmly, stopping him. They just stared at each other for a moment. It was deadly silent. Jesse's eyes were wide and full of shock and confusion. Blaine's had uncertainty too, but Jesse saw the message Blaine was giving him. It's ok, the eyes said. Just stay, and give in. Jesse wanted to, god, he really wanted to. He realised only now that he had wanted this since that first day they met. This staring was so intense, almost enough to make him want to look away. No. No, he would not blow this off like everything else in his life that could mean something.

Never breaking eye contact, Blaine took off his jacket so he was just in his blue shirt. The blue made his eyes brighter, if that were even possible. Jesse heard himself say something incomprehensible and then Blaine's hands were on his shoulders, firm. Jesse fought with his mind and his body, pulling away but then staying. Blaine held him hard and fast, and he couldn't escape. He was grateful for that. Then Blaine's hands were on his face, he could feel them, big and rough on his cheeks. Jesse felt his own hands clasp Blaine, taking the face between his hands, gently feeling the curls at the base of his neck. They were so close now, chests pressed together, lips less than an inch apart. He had only ever been in proximity this close to one other person before – Rachel. And he had never gone further. But this felt different. This seemed to have a sense of purpose about it, this gave Jesse a feeling deep, deep inside that wanted to explode out of him. As the two held each other, the only sounds their desperate, nervous breaths, Jesse closed his eyes and breathed it all in. He almost kissed Blaine right there and then, but he heard a belt being undone and understood what was going to happen. He'd only ever heard about this. But it couldn't be hard to figure out, right? And it didn't count as anything. And it didn't mean anything. Jesse didn't think anymore; he just did it.

He threw Blaine down onto the tent floor, so the man's face was pressed into the ground, and ripped off his own belt. He tugged down Blaine's jeans, seeing the naked flesh and gasping. Jesse quickly spit on his hand and put it on himself before entering Blaine. No hesitation, no slow gradual build. Just all at once. Blaine uttered an anguished, longing groan as Jesse moved. They moved together. Jesse closed his eyes and heard Blaine hit the ground in release. They breathed loudly, gasping, moaning, sighing, groaning. Then that thing, that thing that Jesse needed to get out, it began to surface and he moved faster, Blaine thumping the ground in anticipation. He spilled into Blaine, giving himself to the man for the second time that night, and their breathing became more even. Jesse pulled out of Blaine and lay down again, turning over without even looking at him. He reflected on what had just happened. Then it hit him. He realised what had happened. He was scared stiff. His chest seemed awfully tight. And he felt a tear roll slowly down his face.

**_Did you like it? PLEASE review!_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Here it is...please review, there are loads of subscribers! I know there are readers out there! Also big thanks to the wonderful Forwoodx3 who has reviewed EVERY CHAPTER! 3 anyways enjoy :)**_

**Chapter Four**

**Brokeback Mountain**

**1963**

Blaine woke up the next morning with contentment in his heart and a dull ache in his groin. He couldn't help but smile at the memory of last night. Sure, it hadn't been perfect, it was kind of rushed and desperate and impersonal. But nonetheless…it felt amazing. Blaine opened his eyes and felt certain about one thing: the next time they did it – because there would be a next time, he was sure of it – it would have care and feelings within. But his hope drained away when he noticed the empty space next to him where Jesse had been laying just a few hours ago. He sighed in frustration. He should have known that it was too much for Jesse, that it would push him over the edge. The way that he turned his back to Blaine last night, afterwards, and didn't say a word should have indicated this. Blaine's hopes for the rest of the summer evenings were dashed.

Stepping out of the tent, he saw Jesse mounting his horse. Blaine didn't know what to say to him. 'See you for supper?', he asked. The man above him tugged his hat on firmly and nodded, not meeting his eyes. Jesse's mouth was in a thin, tight line and his eyes were red. As he rode away, Blaine fell onto the ground, head in his hands. Why hadn't he apologised? Why hadn't he forced Jesse to stay and talk it out with him? Why had he even let last night happen? Blaine knew he had initiated it, everything, he had taken Jesse's hand, forced him stay, taken his belt off. But when Jesse had entered him he thought that Jesse wanted it just as much as he did. It hadn't been right, at all. They hadn't even kissed for crying out loud. Blaine stood up and resolved himself. What had happened last night, it had happened. And there was nothing he could do about it. All the regret in the world couldn't change it. He had to make amends, somehow, but he didn't know how to go about doing so. He didn't know what to say. All Blaine knew was that he was going to do everything possible to help Jesse be alright with what had happened. Because he did care about Jesse, he realised. And Blaine couldn't care less that Jesse was a man. But he knew Jesse cared an awful lot that Blaine was a man.

Blaine sat to eat his lunch in an alcove in the rocks, overlooking everything. He sat and calmly surveyed the trees, the animals, the cars on the highway miles below. After a while, he heard steady footsteps behind him and glanced over to see who it was. Jesse. The man stood for a moment before sitting down next to Blaine. They sat in silence for a minute, until Jesse said, 'This is a one shot thing we got going here', and Blaine nodded. 'One shot thing. Ain't nobody's business but ours', he agreed. There was a long silence. 'I ain't no queer', Jesse said flatly, turning to look at Blaine, who nodded. 'Me neither'

That night, Blaine still felt like there was something not right between them, even though they'd resolved it earlier. He left Jesse sitting by the fire, staring into the flames. Blaine undressed and lay down inside the tent, staring at the dirty roof. After a few minutes, during which he figured that Jesse didn't want to share a tent with him again, the flap of the tent was pulled back and Jesse slowly made his way inside. Blaine sat up and Jesse knelt, facing him. His face was nervous, but calm. Blaine placed a hand on Jesse's, holding it and telling the man with his eyes that it was ok. Jesse placed his hat on the floor and Blaine gently stroked Jesse's face, comforting him. And then he leaned forwards ever so slightly to kiss him, to kiss him for the first time. Jesse kept his mouth shut for a moment, and Blaine knew he was having an internal battle. But then he gave in with a sigh, and allowed Blaine to kiss him. It was slow and gentle. 'It's alright', Blaine whispered, so, so softly. 'It's alright, it's alright', he breathed. He gently bought Jesse down to lay on him, holding the man's head on his chest. Blaine breathed him in and felt the hot breath on his skin. He kissed the top of Jesse's head, the beautiful dark curls. Jesse's hand came up to touch Blaine's face, and he almost cried into Blaine's chest. Jesse brushed his lips over Blaine's neck, and moved his hand down, stroking his torso, just slow and gentle. Blaine kept kissing Jesse's hair, moving down his forehead, his cheek, his jaw, and Jesse turned to allow Blaine to lie on top of him. Their lips met and they kissed. Blaine had kissed girls before. But he realised he had never truly kissed them. This was his first kiss. The kisses became deeper and tender, but never rough. Blaine felt Jesse's hands on his back, his shoulders. And they kissed on. Blaine never wanted to know anything but this. This feeling, right now, it was home.

The next day, Blaine was chopping firewood, unable to stop smiling, unable to get that tall, brooding, curly haired cowboy out of his mind. His daydream was shattered, however, when he noticed Burt Hummel riding towards him. The man was looking at Blaine with a hard, cold expression and for one scary moment Blaine thought that he knew. About what they had done. But he shook it off; there was no way that he could possibly know. 'Anderson, your brother Cooper's in the hospital with pneumonia. The doctors don't expect he'll make it. Your mama sent me to tell you', he said monotonously. Blaine nodded, surprised he didn't feel anything. But then again, he and Cooper had never gotten along. 'Bad news. Ain't much I can do about it from up here', he hinted. Maybe if Hummel let him down he could take Jesse with him and they could have a whole day together, in a real bed…but the older man replied, dissolving the plans. 'Ain't much you can do about it down there neither. Not unless you can cure pneumonia', he glared at Blaine and rode off. Blaine made a rude gesture at the man's back, before looking at his hand, the finger he held up, and remembering where it had been last night. The grin was back again and he continued chopping wood, singing an old country song under his breath. Jesse would be back soon.

Dusk had fallen and Blaine had his harmonica out again, playing a collection of sounds one could barely call a song. 'You'll scare the sheep off if you don't quieten down', said a voice behind him. Blaine spun around and saw Jesse smiling at him. He stood up, the harmonica dropping to the ground, forgotten. The two looked at each other for a moment before Jesse, surprising Blaine, stepped forwards and held him tightly. Blaine clutched back and realised that this was what it was about, just holding each other, not even kissing or anything, just smiling and holding and breathing. Jesse pulled back slightly and gently pressed his lips to Blaine's, who eagerly returned the kiss. It wasn't desperate or rushed or just trying to satisfy an urge; it meant something. They were talking to each other in this kiss, their teeth arguing, their tongues laughing, their lips explaining. Blaine broke off for a second and rested his forehead against Jesse's. Blaine opened his eyes and gasped. Jesse's eyes were burning, igniting the night with passionate fire, and almost making Blaine's heart stop beating. He kissed him back, harder this time, whispering Jesse's name and then he could hear his own name scattered across the night too. Their hands locked together and Blaine raised Jesse's to his lips, kissing it. 'This. Just…this', Jesse whispered breathlessly. They smiled, then Blaine felt how tight his jeans were. He shifted a little. 'Tent?', Jesse asked simply. Blaine nodded. 'You read my mind'

The rest of the summer passed in a hazy blur of whisky and sex and horses until the inevitable arrived. The final day. Blaine was upset to be leaving everything behind. But he was especially upset to leave Jesse behind. He knew that as soon as they were off this mountain, it would be back to normal, as if nothing had happened. Jesse had made that very clear. Blaine sighed as he continued packing his things.

Jesse was extremely tense and not speaking much. Blaine knew him well enough by now – Jesse was hurting, but he would never show it. 'Watch out!', he called to Jesse, and tackled him onto the ground. They began to wrestle; the two of them had done the same thing countless times before but there was something not quite right here. Jesse was only half playing and Blaine was trying too hard. Jesse tried to avoid Blaine's hold and he slipped. Blaine moved quickly to try and catch him but he accidentally kneed Jesse in the face and he began to bleed. 'Shit, I'm sorry', he said and held Jesse tight, who was beginning to cry; all the sadness and fear had become too much for him, clearly, and the blood had pushed him over the edge. Blaine gently coaxed him, 'ssh', and stroked his hair, kissed his temple. 'You're alright, ssh, you're alright Jesse', he muttered softly into his ear. As he reached up to wipe some blood away with his sleeve, Jesse, without warning, violently smacked him in the jaw. Blaine yelled in shock and pain, holding his face. His eyes looked imploringly at Jesse, silently asking why. Jesse looked furious and despairing all at once, more emotion stirring within him than he knew what to do with. Blaine tried to move towards him but Jesse just walked away. They couldn't leave things like this, they just couldn't. But they'd never really talked about feelings.

A few hours later, they were back in Signal. Jesse carried a small, sad looking cloth bag with his clothes in. Blaine pulled on his hat and watched him. 'Can't believe I left my damn shirt up there', Jesse murmured to himself. There was a pause. 'You gonna do this again, next summer?', Blaine asked hopefully. 'No', Jesse replied firmly. Blaine felt a stab of pain in his heart. 'Like I said, Rachel and me are getting married. I'll probably find something on a ranch. I need to provide for my family', he said. Blaine realised he had reverted back to the way he had been speaking before they were up on the mountain. Maybe Jesse had left behind his freedom on Brokeback. 'I might come back. If nothing better comes along', Blaine said casually. 'I might head out to Texas. If the army don't get me', he shuddered, sending up a silent prayer that he wouldn't be sent to Vietnam. Jesse nodded, clearly having similar thoughts. 'Well. See you around, I guess', the taller man said. Blaine nodded and they looked at each other for a moment. He looked into Jesse's eyes and almost cried. He desperately wanted to close the distance between them, hold him and whisper into his ear and crush their lips, for the last time. But he glanced around him at the trucks that thundered past, the people walking through the streets. It was out of the question. He couldn't ever imagine a world where two men would be able to do that. The possibility seemed too far away to consider, too good to be true and so perfect it was impossible. They settled for a handshake, a small pat on the shoulder, and then Blaine was in his truck driving away. He watched Jesse in his wing mirror, the cowboy getting smaller and smaller. The happiness, the hope, the centre of Blaine's world, was just getting smaller and smaller. Soon Jesse would disappear forever and suddenly Blaine felt waves of sadness so great that he didn't quite know how to handle it. He had to pull over and let the tears fall. Blaine had never cried like he was crying now.

**_Don't worry it's not over yet...there is still so, so much more to come! REVIEW!_**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Ok so the next few chapters are fairly short so i'll do maybe 3 uploads over this coming week :) also if anyone's interested i wrote a blesse oneshot which i may continue, check it out in my stories list, it's called 2022**_

**Chapter Five**

**Signal, Wyoming**

**1963**

Jesse watched as the truck sped away. Soon, nothing would be left of Blaine in his life, and Jesse wasn't sure how to feel. He shouldn't care; Blaine couldn't mean anything to him. Besides, he was marrying Rachel in two months. And Blaine was a man. So it was for the best that they would never meet again. But Jesse didn't understand the ache in his heart. He tried to brush it off, he tried to walk down the street. One foot in front of the other, he could manage that, surely. But suddenly it became too much for Jesse, and he stumbled down the side streets, finally finding a deserted corner. Hand over his heart, he fell inside the little alcove, unable to see; his eyes were swimming with tears. He dropped to his knees and knelt there, facing the wall. He rested his head on the cold stone and closed his eyes. Jesse was silent as the pain, the longing, the loneliness overpowered him, consuming him. Emotions stronger than he had ever felt for another person flooded through him and he felt more confused than ever before. He also felt bad. He sobbed harshly and messily, punching the wall, feeling the skin bleed and the tears stream down his face. Then the anger of not knowing how to feel, of being unable to handle his feelings. Then the frustration of allowing himself to cry. He let out a loud, anguished sob at the unfairness of it all. A pair of footsteps sounded close by and he glanced up immediately, wishing desperately to see Blaine…but it was just a cowboy staring at him in surprise. Shit. He shouldn't have allowed himself to break down like this. Jesse glared at the man. 'What the fuck you looking at?', he screamed. The cowboy ducked his head and hurried away. Jesse threw his fist at the wall again and felt fresh tears cascade onto his face.

**TWO MONTHS LATER**

**Riverton, Wyoming**

**1963**

Jesse stood at the altar, adjusting his tie. Damn monkey suit. But Rachel wanted everything to be perfect, so it would be. He checked his pocket for the hundredth time to make sure the rings were there. He ran a hand through his hair as the organ started playing the bridal march. He turned to face the back as the doors were flung open and Rachel began walking down the small aisle. She was stunning; Jesse was still shocked that someone as amazing as this girl wanted to be with him. Her hair was loose, curled, with flowers. She wore a simple, elegant white dress and a beautiful smile. Rachel was wonderful. But Jesse couldn't help but wish it were someone else coming to marry him, someone else with dark curls, a bright smile and shining eyes. But he shook away the thoughts. Today was about him and Rachel. And besides, it would never be legal.

**FOUR MONTHS LATER**

**Riverton, Wyoming**

**1964**

Rachel squealed in delight as Jesse spun the truck around again. It was icy outside, and he was spinning donuts in the frozen, deserted parking lot. It was a perfect afternoon. Rachel was wrapped up in the mink coat her husband had bought her. She loved Jesse. She loved him so much.

'Shit!', Jesse yelled as they did a triple spin, Rachel screaming, and crashed the truck into the snowy bank. 'Language!', she said, blushing slightly. She didn't like it when he talked like that. His green eyes softened. 'I'm sorry', he said gently. Rachel smiled. Everything he did went away when she looked into those eyes. She leaned over and kissed him. They looked at each other for a moment. 'I'm gonna have to get out and push us off this bank. You scoot over and push the gas pedal when I tell you', he said. Jesse began to get up, but she firmly pushed him down. 'How about you stay right there and I'll scoot over', she said suggestively. He raised his eyebrows questioningly as Rachel straddled him. She kissed him hard. His hands caressed her face gently, then just skating over her chest before resting on her ass. He always did this. Rachel didn't know if it was normal but she wanted him to touch her breast, which he always seemed so reluctant to do. She guided his hand upwards, placed it on her chest and smiled into the kiss. She felt his hand just sitting there. Jesse was obviously uncomfortable; the kiss slowed a little as he fumbled, before sliding his hand down again to grope her ass. Rachel groaned internally but didn't show it. She loved Jesse too much to care.

**ONE MONTH LATER**

Rachel and Jesse were at the drive in, watching some movie that she had forgotten the name of. She couldn't concentrate on anything; not with the secret she was keeping. Rachel looked at her husband, who was laughing at something on the screen, and he turned to her, eager to share the joke. He obviously noticed her expression. 'Honey, what's wrong?', Jesse asked. She looked into his caring, soft eyes and took a deep breath. 'Jesse, I'm pregnant', she stuttered. Her husband looked shocked for a moment and Rachel braced herself for the worst. But his face broke into a grin, probably the biggest one she'd ever seen on him. 'That's…that's amazing', he said, reaching out to place a hand over her stomach. She breathed a sigh of relief. 'You're not mad at me?', Rachel asked. 'How could I be mad? You've got a little Jesse Junior or Rachel Junior in there', he smiled. She laughed. 'Can't we – ', she began hopefully, but Jesse cut across. 'Rachel, sweetie, you know I love musicals. But we are not naming our kids after the characters of Oklahoma', he said. She sighed. Then, slyly, she said, 'I wasn't suggesting that. I just thought Curly would be a good name to commemorate your hair. Nothing to do with Oklahoma…', she grinned. Jesse burst out laughing and kissed her. They returned their attention to the movie, and Rachel felt a glow of pride. She had a wonderful husband. And now she was having a beautiful baby. Her family. Everything was perfect.

**Signal, Wyoming**

**1964**

Summer had finally arrived, and Blaine was driving faster than ever to Wyoming. He had been looking forward to this for months. He sang along to Bob Wills loudly, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, a huge grin on his face. He was going to see him again. He was going to see Jesse again.

Blaine turned the corner and saw it – Brokeback Mountain. It loomed over him, far away in the distance. His eyes drifted towards the top, where he had spent the best nights of his life. He pushed down harder on the gas pedal and soon arrived at Burt Hummel's trailer. He knew Jesse had said he wouldn't come back. But if Jesse had felt even half of what Blaine had been feeling over the past year, he wouldn't be able to stay away. So he was fairly confident as he pushed open the door.

Burt Hummel was reading a paper, smoking a fat cigar. He glanced up, seeing Blaine. 'Well. Look what the wind blew in', he said dully. 'Howdy, Mr Hummel', Blaine greeted. There was a pause. 'I was wondering if you needed any work doing this summer?', he asked politely. Burt didn't look up from the paper. 'You're wasting your time here', he told him. Blaine's heart sank. 'You ain't got nothing?', he asked again. No response. He took a deep breath and tried again. 'Nothing up on Brokeback?', he said hesitantly. Burt looked up, fixing him with a look of detest. 'I ain't got no work for you', he said meaningfully. Blaine's eyes widened. Maybe he did know what had happened after all. But he dismissed it; there was no way Burt could know. Blaine nodded at the man and turned to leave, before trying desperately, one last time: 'Jesse St James ain't been around, has he?', he asked quietly. The look Burt gave him could have made the angels cry. 'You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there', he said cuttingly. It was then that Blaine saw the pair of huge binoculars hanging around Burt's neck. He had seen. He knew. And he was reacting exactly as anyone else would. Nonetheless, Blaine glared at him. Burt had no idea. He didn't understand what he and Jesse had shared, what they had, together. As he threw the door open and left, Blaine heard the man mutter, 'faggot'

_**As always, PLEASE REVIEW OR I WON'T GIVE YOU ANY MORE**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Right, here's the next chapter...hope you enjoy it. some shit goes down here. anways, REVIEW!**_

**Chapter Six**

**Riverton, Wyoming**

**1966**

Rachel stirred the pot of casserole wearily. It had been a long day, and she was tired. 'Mama', wailed a voice from the next room. She groaned. 'What is it, Junior?', she called. A sweet little girl ran into the room and tugged on Rachel's sleeve. 'I'm hungry', she whined. 'I know, honey, I know. Just as soon as Daddy gets home we can eat', Rachel said, glancing out of the window. 'Here, draw a pretty picture while you wait', she said, passing her daughter some crayons. Junior immediately busied herself, and Rachel sat down and closed her eyes, sighing heavily. Then she heard a wheezing from the next room. 'Your sister and her asthma', she muttered, trudging to the tiny bedroom her two daughters shared. Harmony, just three months old, lay in her bassinet, coughing. 'Oh, sweetie', she whispered. Rachel lifted her tiny baby and cradled her, rubbing her back soothingly. 'Hush little baby, don't say a word, Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird, and if that mocking bird don't sing, Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring', Rachel's clear voice rang through the little apartment. Harmony stopped coughing and there was a moment of silence, something Rachel had learned to treasure, as it was a rare occurrence. Of course, Junior broke it. 'Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!', she squealed in delight. Jesse was home.

Rachel walked into the kitchen, Harmony resting on her hip. Jesse was swinging Junior around in his arms, both of them laughing. Rachel smiled at them. 'Dinner's ready', she said softly when they had stopped. Jesse glanced up, noticing her, and kissed her cheek before taking Harmony so that Rachel could serve the food. Rachel watched her husband with their daughters. He was such a wonderful father. He loved the girls, she could see it on his face when he was with them. But lately, Rachel had begun to feel increasingly that there was something not quite right, that there was something he wasn't telling her. But, like always, she brushed this thought away. It wasn't her place to ask.

**LATER**

Rachel sat brushing her hair in the main bedroom. Jesse walked in. 'Jess, could you put the girls into bed?', she asked him. He nodded and walked through the arch into the girls' room. Rachel watched as he picked up Harmony and held her, kissing the top of her soft head. Then Junior ran over to him and hugged his leg, nuzzling her face into his jeans. Jesse bent down to kiss her curls – inherited from her father – and told her gently, 'get into bed now darlin', and she obediently climbed under the covers. Harmony had fallen asleep on Jesse's shoulder, and he gently put her in the bassinet before walking over to Junior's bed. He knelt on the floor next to her to kiss her goodnight. 'You be a good girl for your Mama tomorrow, and I'll take you into town at the weekend to get you an ice cream', he whispered. Her little face lit up and she nodded enthusiastically. Rachel smiled. He glanced at her and she mouthed 'thank you' to him. He smiled back and helped Junior lay down. Rachel climbed into her and Jesse's bed and waited as he watched his sleeping daughters for a moment, before pulling the little sheet across the arch.

Jesse joined Rachel, after pulling his jeans and shirt off. 'Jesse, can we move to town?', Rachel asked. 'I'm tired of these lonesome old ranches, and I'm scared for Harmony. We're so far from the doctor, and her asthma's getting worse', she explained. Jesse nodded. 'I guess', he said quietly. 'There's a little apartment for rent, over the laundrymat. It's cheap. I reckon I could fix it up real nice', she said, wrapping her arms around Jesse's firm shoulders. Jesse kissed her neck softly. 'And Junior's getting older, she needs to be around other kids', she finished. Jesse's hand skated quickly over her breast, something she was used to by now, and stroked her hip. 'I got no objection, as long as it's cheap', he told her. Rachel grinned in excitement, and kissed him happily, and he kissed her back, firm. She lay down on the bed as Jesse straddled her and they kissed deeply, Rachel hoping to go further. She was in the mood tonight. Jesse tugged up her nightdress, exposing her. Rachel smiled and kissed her husband, running her hands through his hair. But then his hands moved to her waist and he suddenly flipped her over, so she was facing the pillow. Rachel sighed in defeat, kicking herself for expecting something different. She felt him move, and he kissed all down her back before entering her. Rachel buried her head in the pillow, muffling her little screams of pain. Jesse was muttering something she couldn't make out. But she didn't dwell on it; this was the same thing that happened every time she tried to be intimate with him. She was used to it, and thought maybe it was normal for husbands to do to their wives. Though she hated it, Rachel didn't want to complain or ask Jesse not to do this to her – she knew she had to obey her husband and do as he wanted. So she kept quiet, ignoring the pain and wiping away the tears from her face.

**Childress, Texas**

**1966**

Blaine pulled off his jacket, the August sun making him feel dizzy. It was summer again and that meant one thing. It was three years since he had last seen Jesse. Three fucking years. He shook his head and tried not to think about it, turning his attention to the rodeo he was watching. He noticed the next contestant, a woman, mounting her horse. She had dark hair and tanned skin. She was wearing a bright red rodeo jacket, with a matching cap, tight jeans and high heeled boots. She carried herself with a confidence Blaine couldn't ignore. Their eyes met briefly across the field, and she winked at him. He nodded back, smiling.

Before long, the woman was galloping around the arena, doing everything right. Blaine noticed the horse, probably the most expensive breed. The commentator's voice rang out through the speakers. 'There she goes, ladies and gentlemen, just look at her fly…Miss Santana Lopez, oh boy, ain't she just great. And her time is – sixteen and nine tenths seconds, let's give her a big hand!', he called as Blaine clapped and cheered enthusiastically. She – Santana – was brilliant. As she exited the field, Santana cantered right past where Blaine was standing, her hat flying off and into his hands. She slowly trotted back to collect it. He held it out to her, grinning. He took in her wickedly bright eyes, her cute smile. Santana took the hat and paused, her gaze on Blaine lingering. 'Thanks cowboy', she said, winking at him again. She took off and he was left staring after her.

**LATER**

Blaine sat in the bar holding a glass of whisky. He realised after taking the first sip that it was a mistake. It reminded him of Jesse. And tonight was the first night they had ever…Blaine stifled a sob. He couldn't cry, not here. Luckily, someone tapped him on the shoulder and he was distracted. Blaine turned around to see Santana Lopez. Surprised, he smiled. 'Mr Anderson, it was very nice of you to pick up my hat', she said. Blaine raised his eyebrows. She was flirting, she was actually flirting with him. He was embarrassed and shrugged. 'No big deal…it just fell of practically into my lap', he said quietly. 'Wait…how did you know my name?', he asked curiously. Santana just smiled again. 'I always know the name of the most handsome guy in the room', she said candidly. He grinned as she went to sit at a table with some other girls. Blaine's eyes travelled to her ass. Not what he wanted, but still. She was hot. And he was lonely and desperate.

He turned to the bartender. 'Do you know that girl?', he asked. 'I sure do. Santana Lopez. Her dad sells farm equipment, big farm equipment. Hundred thousand dollar tractors, shit like that', he explained. Blaine nodded. He glanced over to Santana, who was looking at him. She gave him a tiny smile before tossing her hair and laughing at whatever one of her girlfriends was saying. Blaine drained the last of his whisky and ordered another. The hours ticked away, Blaine glancing over to Santana's table every so often. Most of her friends had left now. He waited as she said goodbye to the tall blonde girl, the last to leave, and then walked over to her. They stood facing each other in silence for a moment. Finally, Santana rolled her eyes. 'What are you waiting for, cowboy?', she said, grabbing his hand and leading him outside. Blaine didn't complain.

Soon they were in the back of Blaine's truck, Santana on his lap. They kissed, and she threw his hat on the ground, smiling into the kiss. She pushed him so he was lying on the seat, and Blaine felt her lay on top of him. He was a little taken aback by how direct she was being, but didn't complain. He kissed her back, hard, closing his eyes and imagining it was Jesse. He was happy for a brief moment, but then Santana stopped kissing him and whispered, 'wait, you don't think I'm too fast, do you? Do you wanna put the brakes on?', she asked. Blaine smiled at her. He didn't want to stop. 'Fast or slow, I just like the direction you're headed', he told her. Santana blushed, grinning, then leaned forwards to resume the kiss. She was starting to make little sighing noises, which made picturing her as Jesse kinda tricky. Santana ripped off her jacket, and took off her bra. 'You are in a hurry', Blaine remarked, not really wanting to stare at her breasts, but thinking he ought to, otherwise she would suspect something. 'It's my Daddy. He wants me home by midnight', she said. He nodded and pulled her forwards, kissing her deeply. It didn't matter that she was all wrong for him, Blaine just needed to release. As he entered Santana he closed his eyes and remembered Jesse's smile, remembered the noises Jesse made, remembered the roughness of his hands. He reached his climax and pulled out. It wasn't until Santana was pulling her jacket back on that he realised he forgot protection. Shit. He didn't say anything. She was probably on the pill; most girls were now. He doubted whether anything would come of it. Santana leaned over to kiss him goodbye before getting out of the truck and leaving. He watched her walk away, sure that he'd never see her again.

_**Ok, what did you guys make of that? PLEASE REVIEW!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**So here is the new chapter. Hope you like it. A LOT is gonna go down. Enjoy and REVIEW!**_

_**Quick message to Wanna Be Startin Something because I can't seem to private message you, maybe my computers being weird :/ thank you so much for your comment it was really sweet! also i see you are a spring awakening fan (like me, hello fellow guilty one) and british (like me, hello fellow inhabitant of this small cold island) and anyways thank you for reviewing and saying i'm talented, your story is on my list to read later when i get a chance :)**_

**Chapter Seven**

**Childress, Texas**

**1967**

Blaine knocked softly on the door, clutching the cheap bouquet of hospital roses he had just purchased. 'Come in', a voice called from inside. He opened the door and stepped inside, smiling. 'Morning', Blaine said. Santana smiled. 'Look who it is, Joe!', she cooed at the tiny boy in her arms. He walked over, kissing his son's forehead and his wife's cheek. 'Can I?', he asked, gesturing to Joe. She nodded. 'I gotta pee', Santana said, climbing out of the bed and leaving Blaine alone with Joe.

He cradled his son close, breathing in that sweet, soft baby smell. Joe's hair was soft, and his eyes suddenly opened, wide and curious. Blaine smiled. 'Hey there! I'm your daddy', he whispered, waving. Joe's tiny hand reached out and grabbed at Blaine's finger. They stayed like that, holding each other and looking into each other's eyes. Blaine marvelled at how tiny he was, and how big he would one day become. As Joe yawned and closed his eyes, Blaine rested the tiny head on his shoulder and allowed his son to doze off.

Blaine had never really thought about kids. He had never really been excited by the idea, hell, when he found out he was going to be a father he had been scared shitless. The last few months had all been a blur. About a month or so after that one night with Santana, she had turned up at his place and announced she was pregnant and keeping the baby, and Blaine was going to be there for this child, no questions asked. It was a quite a change from the easy going, flirtatious woman he had seen the last time. Santana's father, who hated Blaine with a vengeance, decided they ought to get married – it was the right, proper thing to do. It had been a shotgun wedding, not many people and no party afterwards. Then he'd moved in with Santana, in a little house paid for by her father. For that he was grateful; Blaine was enjoying a much better quality of living thanks to the Lopez's money. Santana turned out to be surprisingly easy to live with. They had sex once, on their wedding night, because she said they needed to consummate the marriage, but she hadn't made any advances after that, and that suited Blaine perfectly. In truth, he felt bad for the way he had used Santana. Now, though, holding his baby, he was pleased that they had sex. He felt a strong, paternal instinct when he held his son, when he smiled at his son. He loved Joe. And Joe would be the most important thing in his life now. Well. Second most important thing.

As he turned to look out of the window, Blaine wondered whether Jesse had any children. It would be four years this summer, since they had been together. He had begun to resign himself to the inevitable, that he would never see the man again. But then, though, as Joe cuddled further into his chest, Blaine realised. He didn't have to wait for Jesse to come to him. He could go to Jesse.

**Riverton, Wyoming**

**1967**

'Come on, one more mouthful', Rachel told Junior, who was eating lunch. She heard a truck pulling up outside and glanced out, smiling when she saw who it was. She opened the door and he came in, wearing his grocer's uniform. 'Afternoon, Rachel. Here's your groceries', he said, putting down her shopping on the counter. 'Oh Noah, I told you, you don't have to do that', Rachel said as he smiled at her, making her blush. 'It's no trouble. I got a few bags going over to Mr Figgins, he only lives around the corner', Noah explained, but Rachel knew he was lying, and she smiled back at him. 'I certainly appreciate it. How much do I owe you?', she asked reaching for her purse. 'Eight dollars forty five cents', he said, passing her a receipt. Rachel scrabbled around. 'There's five…erm hang on…here's another two…oh shoot. I still owe you a dollar and five cents', she said apologetically. Noah shook his head. 'Don't worry about it, Rachel. I can take care of it', he reassured her. 'I'll pay you back next time', she said thankfully. 'It's fine. Just forget about it', he smiled, leaving. Rachel gazed after him, her heart beating faster than normal. She knew she oughtn't to feel or even think like this about anyone other than Jesse…but Noah…she shook her head and began unpacking the groceries, banishing all thoughts of Noah Puckerman from her mind and concentrating on the soup she was preparing.

As she chopped the carrots, Rachel heard a little thud. It was the post. She walked over and picked it up, sifting through. She threw the newspapers aside to read later, groaned when she opened the bills, then paused as she came across a postcard. It had a picture of a mountain she had never seen before on the front. She flipped it over. It was for Jesse. She went into the lounge and put it on the arm of his chair for him to read later, not thinking anything of it.

**LATER**

'I'm home', called Jesse as he stepped inside. He leaned on the door wearily, sighing. It had been another long, hard, thankless day. Junior and Harmony ran into the kitchen. 'Daddy, Daddy!', they screamed in excitement. Despite everything, Jesse grinned at his little girls and picked them up, holding them close. 'Hi', he heard from behind him. Jesse turned around and saw Rachel waving at him, holding a spoon. She was cooking. Jesse smiled. 'Hey. Smells good', he said, nodding at the pot. 'Venison. Your favourite', she said, smiling. Jesse nodded and closed his eyes briefly, allowing the smell to fill him. It wasn't the same as it had been four years ago, but the familiar scent stirred up all the old memories. Suddenly he was back on the mountain, watching Blaine holding that deer, laughing as they skinned it and prepared the meal together, then inside the tent…Jesse shook away the memories and returned to the present.

Rachel, thankfully, hadn't noticed his reaction and was busy cooking again. He did love her, he did. He just couldn't give his heart to her, and for that Jesse felt awful. Rachel was an amazing woman and deserved much, much more. Sometimes he wished he had never married her and saved her the trouble, but every time he saw Junior and Harmony, he was eternally thankful that he had married Rachel. His daughters were everything to him. He had always wanted to be a father, and he actually turned out to be good at it. Junior was busy telling him all about the book she had read at kindergarten that day, and Harmony was playing with his curls. Jesse felt a swell of pride. He had two perfect daughters.

'Jesse, do you know someone named Blaine?', Rachel asked from the stove. Jesse's heart stopped. It couldn't be the same Blaine, it couldn't. It had to be someone else. Or what if it was Blaine, his Blaine, and Rachel knew everything? 'Um, I might. Why?', he asked cautiously, clasping his hands together to calm himself. 'There's a postcard from him, on your chair', she gestured towards the lounge and he was there in two strides. Jesse held the postcard, hand shaking. He read what it said, in clear but hasty scribble:

_Jesse, this is long overdue. Heard you were in Riverton. I'll be passing through on the 24__th__, thought I'd stop and buy you a beer. Write back to say if you want. Really hope you can make it. Yours, Blaine._

Jesse dropped the postcard in shock. He stood, breathing raggedly for a moment and then shouted to Rachel he was going to the bathroom. He stumbled inside and collapsed onto the floor, his whole body shaking. Jesse cried as quietly as possible, feeling the tears stream down his face, his heart aching. He knew what he was going to do. What he had to do.

**_CLIFFHANGER! what did you guys think of that chapter? REVIEW PLEASE!_**

**_next chapter should hopefully be up on tuesday because i'm going to london for a few days. until then, may the odds be ever in your favour! (yes i am on a hunger games kick at the moment. it's awesome)_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**i apologise for the delay, my computer broke...but here it is! this chapter is extra long to make up for the little hiatus. PLEASE REVIEW!**_

**Chapter Eight**

**Riverton, Wyoming**

**1967**

Jesse took a long drag on his cigarette, trying to calm his nerves. Blaine was coming today. He had been sitting on the window seat since 8am that morning, and had worked his way through an entire carton of cigarettes and a six pack of beer. He wasn't drunk, though. Jesse didn't seem to ever get drunk. Junior and Harmony were playing with their Barbies on the floor. 'Daddy, will you play with us?', they asked. Jesse was about to join them, but Rachel, who had just come in, stopped him.

'No, girls. Barbies aren't for boys', she told them. Jesse watched as his daughters' faces fell, and he felt annoyed with Rachel. But he didn't say anything. Rachel began folding laundry. 'Jesse, why don't we get a babysitter, then we could take your friend to Breadstix?', she suggested, always hopeful of a social opportunity. Jesse tried to think of an excuse. 'Well Blaine's not really the restaurant type. We'll probably just go out, have a few drinks', he said, although he was now losing hope. It was nearly 4pm. Blaine obviously wasn't coming. Jesse stared out of the window, and saw a pickup truck after a moment. His heart beat fast as he looked out, excited – then he saw it wasn't Blaine, and he sighed, cracking open another beer.

**LATER**

It was nearly 6pm. The girls were going to bed, and Jesse had wasted the entire day waiting for something that was obviously never going to happen. Rachel bought him a mug of soup. He murmured a thank you, but didn't feel like he could eat it. His wife gently wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. She held him. 'Jesse. He's not coming', she told him softly. Jesse shook his head firmly. 'He will', he said, trying to convince himself more than her. 'Why are you so bothered anyway? He's just a friend', she said. Jesse sighed. She didn't understand. 'If you hadn't seen Tina for four years, you'd be excited to see her', he said, trying to keep calm. Tina was Rachel's best friend, but not the equivalent of Blaine. 'I suppose', Rachel relented. She kissed him on the cheek and went back to the kitchen. Jesse closed his eyes and felt a tear roll down his face. He wiped it away furiously and decided he might as well stop pretending there was any hope.

By 8pm, Jesse had given up. He moved away from the window and sat on his couch, reading the paper. But he couldn't focus properly; he was too mad at Blaine for not showing. As he turned the page, Jesse heard the sound of a pickup truck approaching, but didn't think anything of it. He'd watched pickups going by all day. Then the engine stopped churning, and he heard the loud slam of a door, close by. Jesse stood up slowly and walked across to the window, and he saw him. He saw Blaine. Jesse gasped, so many emotions stirring within him, and suddenly he ran, faster than ever before, out of the door and stood at the top of the steps outside his apartment. Blaine was walking with his head bowed, but glanced up as he approached the apartment block. He saw Jesse, and his face broke into a huge grin. 'Blaine fucking Anderson!', Jesse shouted, also grinning, wider than he ever had in his life. He had to be close to Blaine, he had to be near him again. Jesse flew down the steps and threw his arms around the smaller man, savouring the smell and the warmth. Blaine clutched him tightly, and Jesse knew in that moment that he had purpose, because Blaine wouldn't be holding Jesse if he didn't matter. They looked at each other for a second, then Jesse glanced around, checking to see if anyone was about. He grabbed Blaine by the jacket, never breaking eye contact, and they moved quickly into the little space between the apartment blocks. Jesse was certain no-one would see them. Then, like the right key will open a door, their mouths came together.

The two men closed their eyes, kissing each other fiercely, roughly, angrily, desperately. It was hard and fast but full of passion. Blaine turned and threw Jesse into the wall, and Jesse gasped, pulling Blaine closer to him. He had to have Blaine as close to him as possible, and closer still. Their faces were screwed up, not knowing how to handle the smiles, the tears, the anger, the laughter that they were both feeling. As they both stopped kissing to take a breath, Jesse looked into Blaine's eyes. They were just how he remembered. Jesse saw them every night when he closed his own eyes. He wrapped Blaine in a hug again, feeling himself crying a little. They pulled back, both of them smiling. 'So', Blaine said. 'Can I meet your wife?', he asked, as they both laughed.

Jesse led Blaine into his apartment, unable to tear the smile from his face. He realised as they stepped inside that he was holding Blaine's hand, and quickly dropped it as they entered the kitchen, where Rachel was sitting. She looked a little shaken up about something, but Jesse didn't really think anything of it. 'Rachel, this is Blaine Anderson. Blaine, my wife, Rachel', he introduced them. She nodded stiffly at Blaine, who tipped his hat to her. Jesse didn't look away from Rachel – he knew that if he so much as glanced at Blaine he wouldn't be able to keep his hands, or lips, off him – but he could still smell Blaine all over himself, and taste Blaine in his mouth, which was distracting to say the least. 'Rach, Blaine and me ain't seen each other in four years', he told her. Rachel nodded and spoke, her voice flat, 'sure enough'. Jesse frowned at her rudeness. Suddenly they heard Harmony crying. 'You have a kid?', Blaine asked. Jesse nodded. 'You?', he asked. 'I got a boy. Joe. I married a girl, Santana, down in Texas', Blaine said. 'I got two girls. Rachel Junior and Harmony. I love them to pieces', he told him, smiling as he thought of his children. Rachel suddenly made an odd noise and rushed into the girls' bedroom to check on Harmony. Blaine gestured to the door, and Jesse nodded. He wanted to get out of here and be with Blaine. 'Rach, Blaine and I are going to get a drink. We, uh, might not get back tonight, once we get to drinking and talking and all', he called out, winking at Blaine, who blushed. Jesse followed Blaine out, hearing Rachel shout to him, her voice shaking, 'Jess, would you get me some cigarettes?', to which he quickly responded, 'there's some smokes in the pocket of my jacket, in the closet', not even looking back at her. He couldn't think of anything else but Blaine.

**LATER**

Jesse lay, his head on Blaine's chest, as they smoked. The smell of whisky and tobacco had covered the damp must of the cheap motel room, but frankly, Jesse didn't care if they were in a thorn bush covered in snow and dog shit, just as long as he was with Blaine. Jesse turned his face into Blaine's chest, closing his eyes and breathing him all in, Blaine, his drug. He felt Blaine's hands casually running through his hair. 'Jesse. We need to talk about this – I swear to god, I didn't know we was gonna get into all this again', he said, gesturing to their naked bodies. Jesse glanced up at him, disbelievingly. Blaine grinned sheepishly. 'Ok, yeah I did. Couldn't get here fast enough', he relented, and they both smiled. 'I thought you weren't coming', Jesse murmured. Blaine shook his head. 'No way. I'd never stand you up, Jesse', he said jokingly. Jesse frowned. He couldn't laugh at the joke because he didn't find it funny. Blaine hadn't meant anything by it, of course he hadn't – but his words implied that this was a date, that they were in a relationship of some kind, and Jesse was very reluctant to say that. This wasn't a relationship, he decided. This was…this was friends, close friends. Being close to each other. Jesse refused to think about it any further. He decided not to say anything about it, and ignored Blaine's joke.

'Four years. I was about to give up on you. Figured you were still upset about how I, you know, punched you', he said regretfully. Blaine shook his head. 'I drove out to Brokeback the next summer, Hummel said there was – um, no job for me. And you hadn't been back. So I left, drove back to Texas and went to the rodeo one day. That's how I met Santana. Her daddy has some serious money, though of course he hates my guts. She's a good girl, and I love Joe', he finished. 'Army didn't get you, then?', Jesse asked. 'No. I faked a story that I'd busted my knee', he said. Jesse nodded. 'I did the same', he told Blaine, not wanting to share the truth – he'd gone to do his physical, where all the potential soldiers were sent to do brutal tasks, and were assessed by army officers. They only recruited the best ones. Jesse had failed, and it was just yet another thing dumped on him, telling him he wasn't good enough. 'Well, I'm glad you weren't sent out there', Blaine said, putting his arm around Jesse and kissing the top of his head.

'You know', Jesse began, sitting up and allowing Blaine to lean into him, 'Every day, I would sit for hours, trying to figure out if I was…you know', he trailed off. 'Queer?', Blaine offered. Jesse shuddered at the word, but he nodded. 'But I know I ain't', he explained. 'I mean, I got a wife and kids. I guess I like doing it with her but Jesus…it's nothing compared to you', he told Blaine. 'And I never thought about doing it with another guy. Just you', Jesse finished, looking into his eyes. Jesse had just been more open with Blaine in that last five minutes than he had for four whole years with Rachel, than he had for the entire twenty three years of his life. Blaine smiled at him.

'Old Brokeback got us good', Blaine whispered. They kissed again, soft. 'What are we gonna do?', he asked Jesse, who sighed. He knew Blaine was suggesting that they should have…some kind of life, together. But Jesse just didn't see how that would happen. How would it work? He'd have to divorce Rachel, which would upset her. And she might not let him see Junior and Harmony, which Jesse just couldn't cope with. He loved his girls. 'Well there ain't nothing we can do', Jesse answered him. There was a pause and Jesse watched as Blaine's closed his eyes, sighing in defeat. 'I mean, I built up a life here, for four years. I love my girls', he finished. Blaine nodded stiffly. 'You love Rachel?', he asked, jealousy and disbelief colouring his tone. 'Rachel? This…this ain't her fault', he said. It was true. Rachel had never done anything to make him feel like this. She had no idea about any of this and Jesse didn't like to think about how she'd react if she ever did find out. 'What ain't her fault?', Blaine asked, now sitting up to face him. Jesse knew what he was getting at, but didn't want to talk about it. 'What do you mean?', he mumbled. Blaine threw his fist at the headboard, angry. 'You know exactly what I mean, Jesse. WHAT isn't Rachel's fault?', he asked him. Jesse looked down, playing with his hands, the way he always did when he got nervous. 'You know, it's not…it's not Rachel's fault that we – we do this, you know?', he said very quietly, fumbling over his words, unable to say what he really meant. Blaine lay back down, obviously knowing that Jesse couldn't bring himself to say it. He took Jesse's hand to show that he wasn't mad. Jesse never had this with Rachel; this sense of knowing what the other was thinking, or conveying an emotion through a touch. He laced his fingers through Blaine's. 'Thanks', he whispered. Blaine glanced up at him. His eyes were disappointed in Jesse, but he smiled. 'It's ok', Blaine replied. He gently pulled Jesse down, and he cradled Jesse's head in his arms. Jesse closed his eyes, resting his head on Blaine's chest. He breathed in the musky sweetness of Blaine, nuzzling gently into his skin, and Blaine pressed a soft kiss to Jesse's temple, still with his arms around the bigger man. Jesse felt safe with Blaine holding him. He never wanted to be without Blaine's arms.

'We can't do nothing. You've got your wife, your son. Besides, you and me…if what happened, back at my place, if that – that thing, grabs hold of us? We do that in the wrong place, we're dead', Jesse said, stroking his hand gently over Blaine's chest. 'The thought of that…what they'd do to us…it scares the hell out of me, Blaine', he murmured. He felt Blaine's chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath. 'What if you and me had a little ranch, together. It'd be a sweet life', Blaine suggested. 'I mean, Santana's daddy already offered me a big fat cheque to get lost. Thinks I'm bad news, a bad influence', he said. Jesse didn't say anything for a moment. He couldn't help but imagine how perfect it could be. He and Blaine, in the middle of nowhere, forever. Then reality kicked in. 'No. No, it ain't gonna be that way, Blaine', he said quickly. 'I don't – I don't want to be like those guys, that you see walking around, together. I just can't, Blaine', Jesse said, trying not to cry. 'And I don't…I don't want to die', he whispered. 'They won't kill you for it, not anymore. They made it legal', Blaine told him, but Jesse shook his head and remembered; 'When I was a kid, there were these two guys who lived in town, Hiram and Leroy. They had a ranch together. Nice guys, tough guys, but they were a joke, Blaine. One day, they found Hiram lying in a ditch. Dead. The – the bastards had put a tyre iron on him, on his dick, spun him around till it ripped off', he told Blaine, both men wincing at the thought. 'Then a few days later, they found Leroy, right next to Hiram, same ditch. He'd been beaten to death with a fucking baseball bat', Jesse said, voice choking slightly as he remembered seeing the horrific image all those years ago. 'You saw that?', Blaine asked, shocked. Jesse nodded and answered flatly. 'I was nine. My daddy made sure we saw it, me and my brother. Dad laughed about it, said it served the – the faggots right', he stuttered, hating the word, the word that defined him. 'Hell, for all I know, it was my dad who did it. If he was still alive, and he opened that door…you can bet your ass he'd go get his rifle', Jesse told Blaine. There was a pause. 'Two guys living together? No way. I mean, we can get together, once in while, but...', he trailed off. 'Once in a while', Blaine repeated. 'Once in a while, every four fucking years?', he asked, voice rising. Jesse sighed and took Blaine's hand in his.

'Look, I don't want it to be this way, but…that's the way it is. What do other people do, if they feel like this? I've been watching people, on the street, on the road, at the store. Do they feel like this too?', he wondered out loud. 'I don't give a flying fuck about other people', Blaine spat. 'Blaine, I – I goddamn hate that when the morning comes, you're going to drive away, and I'm going to go back to my life. I hate it. But it can't be any other way', Jesse said, resigned. 'Son of a bitch, Jesse, take a couple days off, right now. Throw your stuff in my truck, and we'll go up to the mountains', Blaine said, his eyes sparkling with excitement. Jesse smiled. 'Brokeback?', he asked. Blaine nodded. 'Brokeback', he said. There was a short moment of silence, and then Jesse threw himself on top of Blaine, and they kissed roughly, and Jesse, thankful that they were still naked, thrust himself into Blaine in a sudden movement, making him gasp, then smile up at Jesse. He lost track of time, lost track of anything and everything. Only the taste of Blaine's skin, the curve of his tongue, the shape of his eyes, the gasp at his climax, these were the only things that mattered to Jesse. Tonight, the only thing and yet everything for Jesse was Blaine.

**_PLEASE REVIEW!_**


	9. Chapter 9

**_Sorry for the delay. I've had all my A Levels - British version of SATS - but I'll be able to update more now that I have no schoolwork. Also the lack of reviews was not particularly inspiring so if you want more (and more regularly) then you'd better REVIEW!_  
><strong>

**_Also I'm aware that this chapter is quite short; it's just a quick one to fill you in on Rachel's POV from the previous chapter. There should be more, longer chapters throughout this week. Enjoy and REVIEW!_**

**Chapter Nine**

Rachel walked into the living room to fetch something, right as her daughters were asking Jesse to play with them. Asking Jesse to play with their Barbies. She hurriedly stopped them. 'No girls. Barbies aren't for boys,' she said, not thinking anything of it. Dolls were for girls. Trucks were for boys. That was how she'd been raised, and that was how she intended to raise her daughters. It was normal. She couldn't let her husband, a man, play with dolls – they were only for girls. Rachel didn't see anything wrong with traditional gender roles; it had been that way for hundreds of years, why change it?

She began folding laundry on the couch. 'Jesse, why don't we get a babysitter, that way we could take your friend to Breadstix?' she asked him. They hadn't been out anywhere without the girls in so long, and Rachel missed her days of socialising. Jesse gave his excuses and she sighed at the prospect of another lonely night with the radio. Her husband cracked open another beer. Rachel was worried; he'd gotten through a frighteningly large amount today. But she didn't say anything.

**LATER**

After she'd put the girls to bed, Rachel lovingly made Jesse a mug of soup, and took it to him. He looked so forlorn, waiting for his friend – who had obviously forgotten to come – and she felt sorry for him. Rachel wrapped her arms gently around his neck and kissed his warm cheek. 'Jesse. He's not coming,' she told him gently. Jesse blindly insisted that he would, and Rachel rolled her eyes, not knowing why he was so heated about it. She gave up and went back to the kitchen.

She'd been preparing gravy stock for tomorrow's dinner when she heard shouts from outside. The mysterious friend had shown up after all – albeit a little late. She listened for a moment, but then the sounds died down and it went oddly silent. Rachel frowned; surely they hadn't just gone out without telling her? She marched through the house and yanked open to door, ready to introduce herself and try one more time to go out – but what met her eyes was the biggest shock she had ever experienced.

In the tiny gap between their apartment building and the next one over, was Jesse and this other man. He was smaller than her husband, with dark hair. A cowboy hat lay forgotten on the floor. Jesse was leaning on the apartment wall, with this other man pressed into his body – and they were kissing. They were_ kissing_.

Rachel stood, frozen. An odd mixture of shock, disgust, love, hurt, curiosity, sin, fear and hate were stirring within her, creating a new feeling, something she had never felt before, had never known it was possible to feel, was coursing through her veins, paralysing her. Jesse moved suddenly, turning to pin the other man against the wall. Rachel watched as her husband kissed this man with a fervour and passion which she had never seen. He had never kissed her like this. She stumbled backwards, closing the door, wishing she had never opened it.

Rachel walked shakily into the little kitchen, seeing a chair and feeling her legs give way. She sat, staring at the table. Life had never been perfect, but now everything just seemed bleak, and hopeless. It was as if a barrel of grey paint had been tipped into her eyes, tinging everything they fell upon. Everything was dull, depressing. Rachel found that she wasn't crying. She was past the point of tears.

When she heard the door swing open, the familiar creek that signalled Jesse's return home every single day, it seemed so familiar that she allowed herself to hope, for one fleeting moment, that he would walk in, same as always. He would kiss Rachel on the cheek, he would pick his daughters up and spin them around, they would eat and laugh together. The memories felt so bright, so strong, that Rachel almost convinced herself that what she saw outside wasn't real; she had made it all up. A result of some bad cheese or an oncoming bout of flu, she told herself.

But as Jesse and the other man entered her home – if she could even call it a home anymore – Rachel felt the memories go blank. She knew what Adam and Eve had felt like, now; she realised. How it must have felt when they ate the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, and understood everything around them, knew everything there was to know. Her Garden of Eden had gone now; it had disappeared. The gate had closed the moment she opened the door and saw it all. Ignorance was truly bliss, she thought bitterly. And she would never know that feeling again. She knew too much.

Jesse introduced her to his friend, but Rachel barely heard him. She looked into her husband's eyes, familiar eyes. But now they looked dark and full of secrets she didn't want to know. She caught that man's name – Blaine. Rachel could barely look at him, could barely look at the two men standing in front of her. Blaine briefly caught Jesse's eye, and the two men smiled at each other, laughing. Rachel finally felt the tears coming. She scuttled out of the room.

Rachel closed the door of the bedroom behind her and sank down onto the floor, clutching her body and trying to cry silently. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold her life together. She had aged years in the space of a few minutes. Jesse called from the other room that they were going out – that they wouldn't be back tonight. She didn't know what they would do but she knew they were going to do something. Something…something terrible. Rachel felt herself shudder at these unknown abominations. She called out to Jesse, desperately, 'Jess, would you get me some cigarettes?' trying to keep her voice steady and even. Cigarettes were the only thing she could think of to say. He shouted back to her, telling her where to find some, and then the door slammed as he left her.

Rachel let out a loud sob, then another, and another. She fell forwards and lay on the floor, crying loudly. Nothing she had ever felt in her life before could even remotely compare to this, and then she realised that in her twenty four years of living, she had never really felt anything.

_**PLEASE REVIEW!**_


End file.
